


The Shaving Habits of the Wild Steve Rogers

by fivethingsunmixed



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: M/M, Muscle control, crack!fic, silliness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-22
Updated: 2015-03-22
Packaged: 2018-03-19 00:20:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 662
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3589272
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fivethingsunmixed/pseuds/fivethingsunmixed
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tony is most put out when he finds out that Steve doesn't have to shave. But is there more to his assertion than there seems...?</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Shaving Habits of the Wild Steve Rogers

Something was bothering Tony.

 

This, of course, was an understatement. Many things bothered Tony. The fact that Maxim’s December had slapped him the last time she saw him at a charity gig bothered Tony (December and September both end with ‘ember’ it’s a very common mistake!). The fact that Dum-E was _still_ hoarding pastries, that was another thing that bothered Tony (what was the AI _doing_ with them? And did Tony want to _know_?). The fact that he’d caught Clint trying to teach JARVIS dirty limericks, that bothered Tony _a lot_ (seriously, the last thing he needed was JARVIS reciting ‘there was an old man from nantucket...’).

 

But this one was new.

 

“You’re saying…” growled Tony, “that...you don’t... _need_ to shave?”

 

Steve Rogers smiled back, all innocent dimples.

 

“Wait, what am I saying?” continued Tony, before Steve even had a chance to open his mouth, “Of course you don’t, look at that chin, it probably _repels_ just the mere _idea_ of shaving cream!”

 

Heroically, Steve Rogers succeeded in not rolling his eyes.

 

“I don’t understand what the big deal is, Tony. I never had to shave before the serum, and I don’t have to shave now.”

 

“But you’re...that’s…” Tony tried, very hard, not to throw a huge, wailing, toddler of a tantrum, and succeeded only in reducing it to an average-sized tantrum, “...do you know how long it takes me to shave in the mornings? To...to trim this beautiful, lustrous, _glorious_ man-hair back?”

 

“...did you just refer to your facial hair as ‘man-hair?”

 

“Yes, I did, and you are going to _feel_ it!”

 

This is the reason why Natasha, deeply baffled, found herself staring at Steve, looking equal parts repulsed and fascinated, stroking Tony’s goatee, as Tony glared at him.

 

“Okay, boys,” she said with a sigh, “Let’s dial the Spartan bro-cuddling back a notch: why is Steve stroking your beard, Tony?”

 

“He doesn’t have to shave!”

 

One beautiful, perfectly shaped eyebrow rose.

 

“That...in no way answers my question.”

 

“Does that mean I can stop?” asked Steve plaintively.

 

“No.”

 

At this point, Steve noticed, with rising alarm, that Natasha was watching him with a speculative look on her face.

 

“What about your chest?” she asked.

 

“Hm?” Tony replied, “Oh, no, I see a professional for that.”

 

“Not _you_ ,” she said, smiling like a cobra, “ _Steve_. He rides a motorbike, and that uniform of his is _very_ skintight.”

 

“Ye-es…you’re right…and the serum contained hormone boosters…” Tony turned toward Steve, who had abruptly gained a hunted expression, and jumped over the back of the couch, “Oh no you don’t, Cap!” he yelled, taking the couch at a running leap, and tackling his teammate, “You aren’t going _anywhere_ till we answer _this_ question.”

 

Steve let out what sounded like a yelped swear word as Tony wrestled with his button-up shirt.

 

Now, granted, Tony wrestling with Steve’s button-up shirts wasn’t entirely uncommon, but usually Steve wasn’t resisting, and it was normally done in a locked room. Natasha started preparing popcorn.

 

“A- _ha_! Wait, there is hair here…”

 

Sure enough, downy, fine blonde hair covered Steve’s torso.

 

“I...um…”

 

“What do you do? Shave? Wax?”

 

“...flex.” mumbled Steve.

 

“...what.”

 

“I...I just...flex and it...falls out...I haven’t had a chance to do it today yet…”

 

Tony’s brain was bubbling over with possibilities. He couldn’t even hear the choked sound of Natasha struggling with hysterical cackles.

 

“Show me?”

 

A pec flexed, and a clump of downy hair fell out.

 

“Now, let’s just get one thing straight,” said Tony, attempting (and failing) a calm tone of voice, “You have this much muscle control over _your whole body_ , right?”

 

“Er...yeah?”

 

“...JARVIS, clear my schedule.”

 

“Didn’t you have a dinner-conference with the Board of Directors?”

  
“Pepper will handle it,” said Tony, grinning as he helped Steve up to his feet, “Now _you_ and _I_ are going to find out _aaaaaaaaaaaall_ the ways that that muscle control can be put to good use…”

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by this article: http://www.mtv.com/news/1830523/secrets-superhero-chest-hair/ and an ensuing conversation that led to the statement: "What if Steve Rogers has chest muscles that are so intricate that he can make each hair individually fall out, just by twitching them in the right way?" I HOPE YOU'RE ALL VERY HAPPY.


End file.
